


Nocturne

by Leteel6



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neil is a good boyfriend, andrew needs a nap, the boys have some alone time, this is completely self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29071053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leteel6/pseuds/Leteel6
Summary: Andrew’s brain has been working overtime and, as a result, he hasn’t been sleeping.Neil decides to take him away for the weekend.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 24
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

Andrew was having a bad day. 

He knew it was coming and had thankfully had the foresight the night before to forgo sleeping with Neil- which had somehow, inexplicably, become something close to a routine the past few months- something he was glad of when he woke up in a cold sweat, the sensation of phantom hands still fresh on his body. 

His reactions were unpredictable when waking from the nightmares, Neil's even more so if Andrew accidentally struck him when asleep. They had both learned that particular lesson the hard way and had navigated the day after with blank eyes and a hollow stoop carved in their chests respectively. Now when Andrew made a move to climb to the top bunk instead of crawling in next to Neil, the other man simply gave him a tight nod and a brief kiss to his knuckles before disappearing under his duvet. 

Andrew's eyes snapped open and his body tensed automatically as consciousness seeped into him. He scanned the room, taking in the snoring lump on Kevin's bed and the familiar mess of their dorm room. Under him, Neil was quiet. Too quiet, meaning he had obviously heard Andrew wake and was trying to figure out the best course of action to take. 

Andrew ignored him. Slipping out of bed, he grabbed a random hoodie from on top of the dresser and slipped out of the room as he pulled it over his head. He kept the hood up as he made his way over to the window, pushing it open and grabbing his packet of smokes from the table. He lit up and inhaled, body relaxing slightly at the familiarity of the action. 

Lately, Andrew had been wondering if recovery was more exhausting than staying at rock bottom. 

He had been seeing Bee more recently, and she had been pleased with how he was coming along. Aaron and he still had their sessions on a Wednesday as well and, though not exactly the highlight of Andrew's week, it was getting easier. Things between him and his brother would maybe never be conventional, but the two had struck something of an uneasy truce and there was less tension between them. Aaron had actually laughed while Andrew dryly goaded Kevin on court the other day and when his brothers eyes had met his, only for a moment before skittering away again, Andrew could almost see a point of what he was supposed to be working towards. 

Then there was Neil. The nothing between them had been steadily growing into a something the longer they continued it and though Andrew had known from Baltimore that Neil wasn't going to be easy to shake, he found himself disoriented more often than not with the different shades of colour the other man was steadily introducing to his life. 

Intimacy was not something that Andrew was used to craving. Touch meant to trust, and he had put his hand in that particular fire one too many times when he was younger, desperate for some type of approval. Kindness. It had never been delivered and by the age of seven, Andrew had learned to react to physical touch with a sharp tongue and even sharper teeth. 

With Neil things were different. He didn't know whether it was due to Neil being so good with respecting his boundaries or something new, something so foreign and fierce that it threatened to swallow him whole occasionally. 

He had the urge to... touch Neil now, often. Not in a way the two had become accustomed to when taking each other apart, no, but in a more casual way. In the same way he had seen Dan reach out and lightly brush her fingers down the nape of Matt’s neck, or had seen Allison twine her fingers through Renee’s without hesitation. 

Andrew blew out a cloud of smoke and stared unseeingly out the window. It was a calm night and the moon hung bright in the sky, puffs of clouds surrounding it. The chill of the air normally irritated him but on this night he found himself further towards it, hoping it would perhaps bring about some clarity to his scattered brain. 

“You’re not going to throw yourself out the window, are you? It doesn’t seem like a very Andrew Minyard way to go.” 

Neil’s voice was rough with sleep, and he could tell he was a good few paces away. He was clearly giving Andrew space, and he knew without hesitation that if he told the other man to go to hell, that he would listen to him. It made Andrew seethe.

He leant back from the window slightly and tilted his head, just enough to see Neil’s silhouette from the corner of his eye. As he had thought, there was a considerable distance left between the two of them, and he was obviously waiting for Andrew’s say so before he moved any closer. The odd feelings that had been hounding him before came back tenfold and Andrew could do nothing but lob his pack of cigarettes in the general direction of idiots head in sheer frustration. 

Neil plucked them out of the air reflexively and took the non-verbal invitation for what it was. He moved forwards and perched on the other end of Andrew’s desk, shaking a smoke out and lighting up silently. Andrew studied him as he inhaled and the cherry burned red. He took in the familiar planes of Neil’s tanned face, the raised scarring on his cheeks and the impossibly blue eyes that were staring back at him with unabashed warmth. Andrew frowned and pushed his face away. 

“And what would be the right way for me to go then?” He asked. His voice was just as scratchy as Neil’s, but he refused to clear it. 

Neil quirked a brow at him and smirked slightly. “Definitely something with a little more flourish. Throwing yourself from a window that’s not even high enough to guarantee death seems a bit beneath you.”

Andrew huffed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Neil gave him another of his ridiculous smiles and took a small drag of his cigarette. A comfortable silence lapsed between the two and Andrew let it, too tired to do anything else. He hadn’t bothered to check the time when he’d got up, but he had always been a creature of habit when it came to his insomnia and could harbour a guess that it was probably around two in the morning. Staying awake at practice was going to be even more annoying the next day than it normally was, but it was preferable to Kevin throwing a hissy fit because he had decided to have a nap in the goal again. 

He flicked another glance towards Neil and his frown deepened at the content look on his face. The other man seemed completely unbothered by the late hour, even though they both had be up in a couple of hours and face the world. Looking at Neil right then with his face turned towards the moon and his body language completely relaxed, he could almost imagine that they were just two normal collage students that didn’t have a plethora of baggage from their pasts weighing them down. 

Andrew’s gaze flicked down to the desk where Neil’s scarred hand was rested in the space between them. It was an innocent placement, and he wasn’t even sure if Neil realised where he had set it. The strange compulsion he had been battling reared it’s head again and Andrew poked at it in morbid curiosity. It didn’t budge.

“Neil.” Andrew said. “Yes or no?”

Neil’s head whipped around and his wide-eyed stare was almost comical. He searched Andrew’s face for a moment and then, seemingly satisfied with what he found there, nodded. 

“Yes.” 

Andrew drew in a stuttering breath. It was kind of hilarious to him, really, how hesitant he was about such a small thing when he and Neil had touched each other in much more intimate ways before. He knew that Bee would have some sort of prolific quote to explain his anxiety away, to help him understand why he struggled so deeply with something that others seemed to find effortless, but Bee wasn’t there right now. It was just Andrew, and he knew he had to either take the plunge or back away completely. 

Slowly, he brought his hand down, so it hovered just slightly over Neil’s. There was a moment when it seemed like neither of the two of them breathed and then, hesitantly, Andrew dropped his hand over the top of Neils and left it there. 

He could feel heat begin to build in his neck and was fleetingly thankful for the hoodie that was covering him. He turned his head away and took a draw of his near burnt out cigarette, staring resolutely out the window and refusing to meet Neil’s gaze that was burning into the side of his face. 

Neil, for the most part, seemed to be trying to imitate a statue. He held perfectly still and Andrew wasn’t sure if he was even breathing. Silence descended upon them once more, and it stayed that way until Andrew began to feel the tension fall from him and, gradually, he felt the same relaxed wave flow through Neil, his body nearly slumping with it. It was... something. 

It was definitely something. 

He didn’t know how long they both stayed like that, side by side and staring aimlessly out a dark window in the early hours of the morning. No words were spoken and Andrew was fine with that, preferred it actually. Heat radiated from their joined hands and tiredness finally began to seep into his bones and make itself known. 

Before he could stop himself a loud yawn forced its way out of him, and he glared at Neil when he dared to laugh. 

“When was the last time you got more than two hours of sleep?” Neil asked quietly, smile dimming. 

It had been exactly a week. Andrew couldn’t identify what had caused the insomnia to come on, but he knew as well as Neil seemed to that he was running on fumes. He shrugged and answered Neil’s eye roll with a blank stare. 

“You know, it’s Friday.” Neil said, “No practice all weekend.”

“And here I thought your lying days were behind you, rabbit.”

Kevin was a maniac and even though the weekends were meant to be spent on their assignments if they didn’t have a game, he generally tended to appeal to Neil’s own stupid Exy obsessed side and convince him to practice regardless, only letting up if he knew that Neil was falling behind on any classes. It was either that, or ply him with the promise of alcohol. If Andrew was truthful, the two of them were intolerable.

Neil laughed quietly at his response. His fingers flexed under Andrew’s and the smile he gave him was brighter than the sun.

“So, we skip. How do you feel about going somewhere?”

Andrew squinted at him. It wasn’t like Neil to want to skip practice, being as obsessive he was about the damn sport. The mere thought of missing an opportunity to play was enough to make him spiral on a good day. Obviously, this was something that he felt like he had to do for Andrew, because of Andrew. The gesture settled wrong in his gut. 

“I don’t need to be babied, Neil.” He warned, voice tight. 

He was getting ready to pull his hand away, but Neil linked their pinky's together in a light grip.

“I'm not trying to baby you, stupid.” Neil looked out the window and Andrew could see a flush of colour rise in his cheeks. “I've had this planned for a while.”

And wasn't that interesting. Andrew tilted his head and quirked a brow in question. Neil stared at him- no, at the top of his head- and for reasons unknown to Andrew, his eyes gained that annoying fondness once more and the flush on his cheeks grew higher. Andrew waited.

“Look it’s- you do some much for everyone else.” Neil fumbled through the words. “I just thought it might be nice if someone did something for you this once. We don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but- but it’s an option.”

They both went silent. Neil huffed out a sigh when Andrew’s only reply was to stare at him blankly and shook another cigarette from the pack. He was halfway through it before he got a reply.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes, Neil. Okay. Let's go on your stupid, whimsical weekend trip. It better be worth it.” 

The other mans smile was blinding. He squeezed Andrew’s pinky once before stubbing out his smoke and removing himself from the table. He stretched like a cat and Andrew followed the movements with keen interest.

“I’m going to go pack a bag and leave a note for Kevin. Honestly, I’m contemplating blocking his number for the weekend.” He grumbled. 

Andrew sat still for a moment as he watched him retreat into their bedroom. His mind felt over-stimulated and blank at the same time, and he was having a hard time wrapping his head around the enigma that was Neil Josten. It seemed like every time he was starting to get his footing with... whatever it was they had, Neil did something else unpredictable that had his mind reeling. 

Andrew pushed himself off the table with a sigh and headed into the bathroom. He was far too tired to deal with anything resembling emotions right now- and, anyway, wasn't that funny? After dealing with a concoction of mania and apathy, he had convinced himself long ago that his brain chemistry would likely be too fucked for him to ever function on a normal wavelength of emotion again. Maybe that’s why it was so goddamn tiring. 

He flicked the bathroom light on and ran the cold water tap, making sure it was as cold as it could get before leaning down and splashing it over his face. The cool temperature sent a jolt through his body and he instantly felt more awake. Shivering, he leant towards the towel rack and grabbed the softest one, drying his cold face before making eye-contact with himself in the mirror. 

Andrew froze. The hood of his sweatshirt was still pulled loosely over his head and he stared at in unbridled horror. Suddenly, Neil’s warm looks were beginning to make a lot more sense. 

A couple of months ago, Boyd had gifted Neil with the most hideous hoodie Andrew had ever seen. Bright orange with white stripes and ‘Josten’ written on the back, it made him noticeable by a mile off. Andrew had hated it on principle, already sick of seeing so much orange in his day-to-day life. When Neil had pulled up the hood with a stupidly excited smile to showcase floppy fox ears, his percentage had gone through the roof. 

The same two fox ears sat atop his own head right then, taunting him. Andrew scowled fiercely at his reflection. He looked ridiculous, the ears bending in opposite directions and clashing horribly with the scowl on his face. Ripping it off was his first impulse, but in his haste to escape their bedroom he had forgotten his armbands and tonight was not the type of night that he felt he could leave himself exposed in such a way. That, paired with the fact that if he took it off Neil would be insatiable with his teasing for the rest of the weekend. Dignity in shreds, Andrew heaved a sigh and exited the bathroom. 

Neil was waiting for him, two duffle bags packed and Andrews keys swinging idly from his fingers. His eyes lit up when he saw Andrew and, now knowing the reason behind it, he did nothing but offer him a stony faced middle finger. Neil grinned. 

“You were taking a while in there, so I packed for you. That okay?” 

Andrew grunted and knocked his shoulder into Neils as he retrieved his own bag and reached for the keys. Neil held them over his head, his grin turning slightly wicked. 

“Na-uh. I’m driving. You don't know where we’re going.”

“I have a GPS, Abram. That's kind of the whole point of it.” 

Neil looked aghast. 

“It’s a surprise, Andrew. That's kind of the whole point of it.” He mocked, dancing just out of Andrew’s reach as he aimed a punch to his stomach. 

Andrew closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. If this interaction was any sort of telling to how the weekend was going to go, he would be back in East-haven come Monday. 

“You put so much as a scratch on my paintwork, and you're dead, Josten.” 

Neil nodded sagely and held the door opened for him. Andrew scoffed and stormed past him, fingers itching with the need to be holding a cigarette. He felt hopelessly out of his depths with the entire situation and had the fleeting thought that he might be pushing his own boundaries too far. He knew that he could still say no. Neil wouldn't care, would likely just shrug and offer to sit with him and watch some bland nature documentary until the morning, but-

But. But despite himself, he was interested. He wanted to see what Neil had planned and, more than that, he trusted the other man enough to walk into the unknown with him. Bee would be ecstatic when she heard. Andrew just felt tired. 

The dorms were eerily silent as they exited the building, not so much as a drunken soccer player hanging around the stairwells. Andrew and Neil exited the building side by side in silence, words evading them for the moment. 

The chill of the early morning was crisp and refreshing. Autumn had turned the leaves to warm browns and oranges and they scattered the ground in mass, crunching under their feet as they made their way to the car. Andrew shivered slightly, despite himself. He had forgone changing out of his sweatpants and only had a thin cotton t-shirt beneath Neil’s hoodie, which was not a great outfit choice for someone who ran as cold as he did. 

Neil made a small sound and stopped abruptly, unzipping his duffle and rummaging around for a moment. He zipped it back up a second later and came to stand in front of Andrew, draping a heap of black fabric around his neck and folding it in a quick, efficient manner. His fingers never so much as brushed Andrews neck during the process, and he stepped back quickly when he was done, shrugging slightly at whatever he found in his expression. 

“I brought a scarf just incase. You get cold unreasonably quick.” He complained.

Andrew watched him turn and walk towards the car and touched light fingers to the soft fabric around his neck. A small flutter of something unnamed made itself present in his chest. Shaking his head slightly, he brought the scarf tighter around him and followed Neil, refusing to analyse whatever was going on with his brain now. 

Neil wasted no time in plugging his phone into the AUX cord and putting one of his playlists on shuffle. Soft notes of an acoustic guitar filled the car and Andrew leant his head back against the seat, eyes slipping closed as the familiar purr of the engine thrummed underneath him. 

“Here.”

Andrew slipped an eye open. Neil was holding a small pillow out to him with one hand, but his attention was otherwise focused on driving away from Fox Tower. Andrew glared at him for a moment, before reaching out and snatching the pillow from his hand. Where he had even pulled the damn thing from, Andrew didn't know. Neil smirked slightly and reached forward to turn the heat up.

“How far away is this place anyway?” Andrew asked. His eyes slipped closed again against his will. 

“About four hours, give or take. You should try and get some sleep.” Neil replied, voice soft. 

Andrew wanted to refuse, but he couldn't find the words. The car was warm and familiar, the pillow beneath his head unfairly soft. Neil’s playlist was soothing any tension from his bones and the warm material wrapped around his neck brushed his cheek softly when he tried to shake his head in refusal. The last thing he was aware of was Neil’s small chuckle before sleep took him over.


	2. Day one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew deals with coming to terms with his emotions in the most predictable of ways; frantically.

Andrew came awake with a jerk. 

Bleary-eyed, it took him a moment to place his surroundings. The sun was high in the sky and shone through the front window of his car, warming the dash were his feet were propped. They weren't moving, instead parked somewhere with more greenery around than Andrew thought he had ever seen. Trees lined the parking lot and beyond further than he could see, different shades of green, gold and orange that made the dull concrete seem improper. 

He stretched, repressing a groan when his bones creaked in protest. Sleeping in a car was not something that he had regular practice in, and he had no doubt that it would be a big regret for most of the day. 

“Morning.”

Andrew glanced to the side. The driver's seat had been pushed back and Neil sat with one knee drawn to his chest, a book in his left hand and a pen gripped loosely in the other. It had been awhile since he had last got a haircut and to remedy the situation, he had taken to pulling the auburn strands into a messy bun atop his head. The sun glinted off the stud in the cartilage of his ear, drawing Andrew’s eye to the small outline of a key just behind it. A permeant mark on his body that he had chosen to put there, Neil had informed him. Andrew had personally believed the tattoo was a result of a drunk Neil and Alison having too many stupid ideas and not enough impulse control between them, but he dutifully kept it to himself. 

“What time is it?” He asked.

Neil glanced up at him for the first time, the concentration in his expression fading to something warmer when he looked Andrew over. He put the book down- Sudoku, of course- and did a quick stretch of his own. 

“It’s around seven.” He replied, yawning. 

Andrew’s eyes widened. He had been asleep for five hours and hadn't dreamed once, which was a record for the last week. Maybe before. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept for such a long stretch of time without something interrupting it. 

“You should have woken me.”

Neil shook his head, scrubbing a hand over his face. He looked tired, hair disheveled and dark circles under his eyes, but he was smiling. 

“No. You needed the rest. I was starting to think those bloodshot eyes were a permanent fixture.” He teased.

Andrew scowled. Asking for help, or indeed even acknowledging that there was a problem in the first place, wasn't something that came easy to him. He remembered all too well the angry mauve fingerprints staining his skin in the past as a result of asking for something as simple as cough medicine. Predators could smell weakness as keenly as sharks could blood and Andrew wasn't in the habit of making the same mistakes twice. 

Neil seemed to sense the shift in his mood. His smile dimmed until it was a ghost of an expression, and he reached into the back seat to rummage for something. He hummed softly when he made purchase and Andrew blinked when his armbands dropped into his lap. 

“So,” Neil said blandly, as though he hadn't just read Andrew as idly as one might a PSA flyer. “I was thinking we drop our stuff off, shower and then hit a grocery store. Sound good?”

Andrew stared blankly at him for a moment, then shrugged. 

Slipping his armbands on felt akin to slotting armour back into place and it soothed his fraying edges slightly. It was warmer than it had been in the early hours, so he slipped the scarf from around his neck and pulled down his hood. Neil pouted. It definitely looked stupid and not endearing, not at all. 

They grabbed their duffles from the back seat and Neil began walking in the direction of a large cabin up ahead. The air felt crisp and fresh, birds flittering back and forth between the trees and singing softly. The dirt under their feet shifted as they walked and it felt odd, to feel real soil underfoot instead of concrete or AstroTurf. Odd, but welcomed. 

“I’ll run inside and get the keys. Wait here?” 

They had arrived outside the cabin, which seemed monstrously large up close. Andrew pinned Neil with a bland stare and gestured around them.

“Where else would I go, Abram?” He asked, serious.

Neil laughed before ducking into the cabin. 

Andrew pressed his back against the wood behind him and tipped his head back, the sun warming his face. It felt like a different world out here, wherever they were. The sky seemed a little brighter, the air a little lighter. Maybe it was just being away from home that was making him feel like this, but he wasn't so sure. 

It was new, this development with Neil. They both seemed to have a sixth sense of sorts when the other was feeling the need to escape, like it was a tangible itch under the surface of blood and bone. Normally, it was as simple as a jangle of keys and promise of ice cream, or in Neil’s case a chosen direction with no destination, but as many times as they'd both sought the other out for an escape it had never been for any longer than a few hours. Going away for the weekend together, that was new. Unexpected. He wasn't sure how to process it. Andrew sighed and bonked his head against the wood.

The door opened a few moments later and Neil reappeared by his side, shaking a set of keys in front of his face. 

“All set.” He said, hitching his duffle higher on his shoulder. “Let's go. I don't think I've ever been as excited to shower.”

Andrew raised a brow at that and followed him further down the trail. The foliage grew thicker the further they walked, swaying gently in the breeze. The greens gave way to burnt orange and the sun overhead seemed to get bigger, illuminating everything it cast on and giving it an almost otherworldly glow. He was reminded of stories he had often found refuge in as a child, filled with tales of enchantment and magical forests. 

“Where did you even find this place?” He asked, curious despite himself. 

Neil looked at him and smiled. He seemed completely relaxed in this environment, not at all disturbed by the lack of people or any type of civilization. The further they walked, the denser the forestry grew around them and the tension in Neil’s shoulders began to relax.

“Google.” He replied, a wicked grin tugging at his lips. “I was going for something with no cell reception.” 

Andrew huffed in amusement. He could only imagine how crazy Kevin had gone when he had woken up to empty beds with only a note for explanation. He was no doubt preparing suicide laps for them to last the year round. 

“He's going to kill you when we get back.”

“Scarier people than Kevin Day have tried and failed. I’m sure I’ll survive.” Neil responded dryly.

Andrew bristled at his words. It bothered him, Neil’s casual ease at which he talked about the violence he had endured in his life. It was a contradiction for sure, Andrew himself not being one to flinch away from the blood and guts of reality- he'd seen too much evil to ever be able to put on the rose-tinted glasses that the others seemed to wear, but even so. Something in him grew teeth when Neil would tell him a story from the past, his face a blank mask and his voice soft, distant. If he could bring back his father he would, if only to kill the man himself. 

“Thank god, we’re here.” Neil groaned, snapping him out of his thoughts. “I really didn't think through the logistics of having the most secluded cabin.”

He was pointing ahead of them. Andrew squinted against the glare of the sun and, indeed, he could see a cabin right up ahead of them. The sky was a powder blue backdrop, trees aligned on either side of it in rows. The grass got longer and more straw-like in quality the closer they got and if Andrew were the type, he might have done a double take when he got a proper look at the place. 

It wasn't massive like the cabin Allison had got for them after Baltimore, but it was still beautiful. Quaint, with a large porch that had two chairs and a direct stream of sunlight to warm it. Thick oak beams held the building up and it was risen off the ground slightly, enough that there were stairs to climb to reach the front door. There were flowers and greenery everywhere, ivy climbing the stair railings. Andrew ran a light finger over it as they passed, mesmerised. 

“How long did you say you had been planning this?” He asked.

Neil was slotting the key into the door, but paused at Andrews words. He threw a cheeky grin over his shoulder. 

“I didn't.” He replied. 

Andrew scoffed and followed him through the entrance. Neil took his duffle from him and disappeared down the hallway. It was obvious he had already been there before from the familiar way he handled his surroundings and something in Andrew’s chest turned molten thinking Neil viewing this place- and, knowing the junkie’s tenacious behaviours, however many others- in pursuit for the perfect getaway. It was pathetic. It was endearing. It was...

Too much. All of it was too much. 

With bated breath, he continued down the hallway and quickly found himself standing in the middle of a joint kitchen/living area. It was cosy; a large fireplace situated at the far side of the room with a ridiculously over-sized, clichéd rug laid in front of it. The kitchen space was small, but modern. A table sat in the corner, two plates on either side of it with little napkins shaped like roses atop them. Andrew grit his teeth and moved towards the window, willing his breathing to slow down. 

“Bags are in the bedroom. Do you want to shower first or- Andrew?” Neil’s voice turned sharp with concern. “Andrew, what's going on? What do you need?”

And wasn't that just a predictable response. Andrew bit down on his derisive snort, staring hard out the window. He didn't know how to frame the words that were flooding through his mind- no, not words. Imprints. Impressions of something not quite tangible enough to be a formed emotion. They were estranged from him and impossible to communicate. His mouth opened, shut again. Silence ensured.

Neil didn't make any attempt to come closer, nor did Andrew encourage him. The tension in the room was palpable and before he could allow himself to second guess it, he blurted out; 

“Why?”

He tilted his head to look at Neil. The other man stared back, his face carefully impassive. Sometimes it was easy to forget that Neil was a master of deception. He could read a room and compose himself accordingly in a matter of seconds, a chameleon in every sense of the term. He was clearly trying to get a read on Andrew before he responded and it was infuriating. 

“Why are we here?” Neil clarified, an eyebrow arching. 

Andrew nodded and Neil sighed, rubbing a hand against his upper-arm idly. It was a tell, Andrew knew, that he was nervous. 

“Fuck, Andrew, I don't know. I just thought it would be nice to get away for a little while. We can go home if that's what you want, I won’t mind.”

It wasn't the response he wanted. Andrew pressed his lips together and waited, his silence speaking for itself. Minutes ticked by before Neil groaned, the first crack in his facade. He threw his arms in the air, exasperated and began to pace. 

“Okay, fine. The last couple of months have been hectic; the freshmen need near constant babysitting, Kevin is even more of a maniac than he was on court before and I’m drowning in school work. We never get to see each other any more and I-“ He took a breath, staring at Andrew with blue eyes alight with frustration. “I guess I just missed you, okay? I’m not exactly sure if saying that is against our arrangement of this being ‘nothing’, but it’s the truth.”

Neil stopped, still a considerable distance from Andrew. He tucked a wayward curl behind his ear and gestured around them. 

“There's no ulterior motive to this, Andrew. If you don't want to be here we can leave and figure out something else to do. I really don't mind. But believe me when I say that this is as weird for me as it is for you. I-“

Neil deflated. He sighed and dropped onto the couch, rested his head against it. His eyes fell shut and Andrew watched with vague curiosity as a pink flush began to spread up his neck. 

“I’m not a soft person.” He continued. “I’m not used to wanting to do nice things for others. My entire existence has always been dependent on surviving the next day, the next hour. People were just collateral damage and I’ve never lost a moment of sleep thinking about those who might have suffered in the wake of simply being near me at the wrong time.”

“Things are different with you, with the others. Being Neil, having a family... I want to do stupid things to make you happy, like going shopping with Allison or talking to Erik on a video call with Nicky. I want to take my not-boyfriend away for the weekend because he's been withdrawn and distant for the past couple of weeks and even if no one else notices, I do.”

His eyes opened. Andrew stared back at him and tried for his normal impassiveness, but he had the uncanny feeling that Neil could see right through it, through him. It felt as though the other man was stripping away the black gut and rot that lay under his surface, pausing only to acknowledge it for the briefest of moments before casting it to a side with a shrug. It was disconcerting to feel so seen. He had the notion of standing on a precipice with no foreseeable return.

Andrew crooked a finger at him. Neil paused for a moment, unsure, but slid off the couch anyway and made his way to Andrew in slow, measured steps. He stopped a few feet away and Andrew made a small sound of impatience, reaching out to grab the sleeve of his shirt and tug him forward. 

He ignored Neil’s surprised gasp in favour of studying the other mans face in silence. A tinge of colour still held high in his cheekbones and he squirmed slightly under Andrew’s blatant scrutiny, blue eyes wide and uncomprehending. Slowly, Andrew reached a hand out towards him and Neil followed the movement with interest. He nodded when Andrew paused, but otherwise stayed perfectly still.

Outside, the sky had darkened and a light splattering of rain pattered against the window in a consistent rhythm. It was the only sound in the otherwise silent cabin, if you didn't count Neil’s ragged breathing. Andrew laid his hand against the curve of Neil’s jaw, his forearm resting in the crevice of his neck. He could feel the flutter of Neil’s pulse against his arm quicken as he rubbed his thumb experimentally over the raised scars on his cheek. 

“We can stay.” He said quietly.

Neil nodded and seeming uncharacteristically shy, he pressed his cheek into Andrews palm and nuzzled it softly. Andrews' breath caught and the feeling in his gut intensified ten-fold. He closed his eyes briefly against it and almost jumped at the soft brush of Neil’s lips against his palm. 

“In that case.” Neil said. “I propose a change of plan. You go shower and I’ll go and grab some things from the store.”

Andrew opened his eyes. Neil may claim he was not soft, but with the warmth in his eyes and the silken brush of his skin underhand he may as well have been liquid. Keeping steady eye contact with Andrew, he turned his head again to lay an intentional kiss on his palm before stepping away. 

Andrew straightened his spine immediately and felt his previous defences snap firmly back into place. Neil watched it happen, nodding slightly and stepped back further. 

“I’ll be back soon.” He promised, before turning on his heel and vanishing down the hallway. 

Andrew stood still for a moment and listened for the click of the door behind him. The air left him all at once and his skin buzzed restlessly. Without even being aware that he was doing it, his feet began to move towards the room that he had noticed as the bathroom on his way in. It was as quaint and visually satisfying as the rest of the cabin, but there was a large shower in the corner of the room that looked too luxurious to fit the aesthetic. 

Andrew examined the settings for a moment before powering it on, noting with some surprise that all of his preferred shower gels and shampoos sat on the shelves in little travel bottles; because, of course, Neil had thought of everything. 

Andrew locked the bathroom door before stripping off his clothes and slipping into the shower. He turned the water until it was nearly scalding and tipped his head back against the spray. He relished the loosening of his tense muscles and the comfort that came from the scent of his body wash in such unfamiliar surroundings. It occurred to him, all too soon, that Neil conveniently purchasing his over-priced body washes and shampoo- even though he claimed they were a waste of money- had been an intentional act and not just a kind gesture. The raw feeling of being known washed over him again. 

Andrew turned up the water temperature.

-

Neil really had thought of everything it seemed, including packing Andrew’s softest pair of sweats and his favourite long sleeved t-shirt. He slipped them on, still half-heartedly rubbing a towel against his wet hair. He had spent awhile in the shower, long even for his standards, but there was still no sign of Neil. Andrew shrugged and set off to look around the cabin for something to entertain him. 

There was a TV sat in front of the sofa, but he couldn't locate a modem to indicate any sign of Wi-Fi and decided to forgo it. He wasn't in the mood for channel flicking, already feeling listless enough. He could use the 4G on his phone to watch something on Netflix, but the thought of being intercepted by Kevin or his brother was enough to stop that idea in its tracks. 

Andrew sighed, stopping in front of the large bookcase in the far corner of the room. He ran his fingers lightly over their spines, taking in the familiar names of the classics. He could as easily close his eyes and recall the words, having no real need to read them again due to his memory, but there was something comforting about holding the weight of a book in his lap and thumbing through the pages. He grabbed a frayed old copy of Wuthering Heights and a blanket from the back of the couch, before settling down. Wistfully, he thought of the hot chocolate in Bee’s office and wished he hadn't gone through his own supply so quickly. 

Time went by quickly after that. He had no idea how long he sat curled on the couch before Neil came back, but he was half way done with the novel. He stretched, turning his eyes towards the doorway as Neil walked in. He was carrying grocery bags in both hands and turned a hesitant smile on Andrew when they locked eyes. 

“Hey.” He said. 

“Hey yourself.” Andrew replied dumbly. 

Neil took to the task of putting the groceries away, prattling mindlessly about what he had or hadn't got. Andrew watched him, silent apart from the occasional grunt when input was needed. 

There was something dangerously domestic about the entire situation and Andrew was equal parts alarmed and disgusted at the fact that he didn't hate it. He found himself almost enjoying Neil’s running commentary about the old lady at the grocery store who wouldn't get out of his way and almost fought him for a bag of apples, or how the car-park had barely any spaces left, so he had to leave the car basically half a mile away from the store- a gross exaggeration, he assured Andrew at the stony glare he got in response. It was so mundane, so normal, but with Neil added to the equation...

Well, Andrew wasn't going to dwell on it. One mental breakdown was enough for the day. 

“What's for dinner?” He asked. He wasn't a bit interested in eating, but he needed to focus his mind on something other than the ridiculous route it seemed determined to take. 

Neil chewed his lip, looking sheepish. He held up two frozen ready meals and Andrew rolled his eyes, suddenly glad for his lack of appetite. 

“Sorry, I’m not much of a chef if it can’t be microwaved. We could always order in if it sucks that bad, though. Oh! And-“ 

He rummaged through a paper bag, shifting his body in front of it to block Andrew’s view. When he finally turned around, one hand was behind his back and the other held a take-away cup that still had steam coming from the top. He handed it to Andrew who, in turn, sniffed at it hesitantly. Chocolate and cinnamon invaded his senses and Andrew let out an approving hum, taking a quick sip despite the scalding heat of the beverage. 

Neil beamed. One hand was still behind his back and he brought it forward, his face taking on an oddly shy look to it. Andrew blinked and reached out slowly, taking the plastic rose from him. It was beat to hell, the cheap stems bending in all different directions. There was a petal missing. They both froze when they're fingers brushed and Neil’s throat moved as he swallowed deeply.

“For you.” He said quietly, relinquishing his hold on the flower. 

Andrew stayed silent. Words wouldn't come to him. He kept his eyes on the ugly flower, staring hard. Eventually, Neil cleared his throat and mumbled something about a shower before disappearing once more. 

Once he was gone, Andrew brushed delicate fingers over the frayed petals of the flower. It wasn't an ornate gift; hot chocolate and a cheap rose had no business having his pulse reacting the way it was- and yet. Carefully, he pressed the flower into the last page he had been reading and closed the book. His duffle was in the bedroom, so he made his gait light and slipped in silently, placing the book in between a couple of his hoodies. He grabbed his phone, the blanket and his hot chocolate and headed outside. 

There was a bite in the air and the wind had picked up since he had last been outdoors. He wrapped the blanket firmly around his shoulders and slipped into one of the chairs on the porch, hitting speed dial. Bee answered on the first ring. 

“Andrew.” She greeted warmly. “I hope you and Neil are having a nice weekend.”

“He gave me a flower.” Andrew blurted out, wincing at how stupid it sounded but unable to stop himself. “He gave me an ugly, cheap flower and called me his not-boyfriend. I don't know how to process this, Bee.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line and Andrew took a hasty sip of hot chocolate to stop himself from saying anything else idiotic.

“Is it making you uncomfortable Andrew, these gestures?” 

Andrew stilled and thought back for a moment. He couldn't recall feeling uncomfortable in any way, maybe just... confused? He sighed. 

“No. He's not doing anything wrong and it’s not triggering anything in me per-say, it’s just-“

“It's making you feel something wholly unfamiliar and you're not sure what to do with it.” Bee guessed. Andrew stayed silent, but he knew she would take it as the confirmation it was. 

“Andrew, dear, we talked about the eventual effects of coming off your medication. You were on drugs that negated your brain-chemistry, convincing you to feel a certain way that was artificial. Natural emotions, even the good ones, are going to be hard to process for a while. You're doing very well.”

And yes, he knew this. They had spoken about it in depth and he had felt like he was prepared, being naturally apathetic in the years before the medication. However, back then he had never had anything positive to truly impact his life besides Cass, and even she had been tainted by his demons. 

He huffed a breath, staring unseeingly into the distance. 

“You should see this place, Bee. He took me to a cabin where there are more trees than people. The leaves turn colours I didn't even think was possible. It’s ridiculous. You'd love it.”

“It sounds lovely.” Bee said. Andrew could hear the smile in her voice. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

Andrew paused to take another sip of his hot chocolate. It tasted oddly familiar to the type he drank back home and he could feel the tension gradually begin to ease from him with the small semblance of routine. 

“I think I could.” He replied slowly. “If I could stop my brain from working overtime.”

“Do you feel like you could speak with Neil about these things, Andrew? Maybe helping him to understand your way of processing things would make your thoughts less chaotic.”

Which was Bee’s overly kind way of hinting that Andrew may or may not be having a crisis over his, perish the thought, feelings for Neil. 

“This is nothing.” He replied instinctively. “This thing between us is just a way for us to pass time. Talking to him about my messed up brain chemistry would be a waste of both of our energy.” 

Bee paused again, longer this time and Andrew could practically feel her disapproval through the phone. As his therapist she was supposed to remain neutral, but Andrew had always had a knack for reading people and Bee was no different. 

“Well, maybe you should talk to Neil about that instead then. If he's gifting you flowers and calling you his ‘not-boyfriend’ then, I’m sorry to say it dear, but perhaps he is not quite as casual about your agreement as you think.”

This was likely the reason that he had rung Bee to begin with because, as she spoke the words, the truth hit him straight in the gut. She was right. Hook-ups didn't go on weekend trips together, didn't give each other thoughtful gifts. They didn't look at each other like the sun rose and fell all depending on that one person.

“Shit.” Andrew said with feeling. 

“Hm.” Bee agreed. “I would suggest talking to him, Andrew. It might be enlightening for you also.”

Andrew stood from the chair and nodded, even though Bee couldn't see him. He was suddenly filled with purpose and it felt good to not be floundering around, trying to catch up with his thoughts. Bee was good like that, she helped him find clarity. 

“You're absolutely right, Bee. I’ve got to go, I think Neil’s out of the shower now and I need to go end this thing before it gets any messier.” 

Bee sounded unusually alarmed. “Andrew, I didn't mean-“

“Thanks for the chat, Bee. See you next week!”

Andrew ended the call and slipped his phone into the pocket of his sweats. He grabbed his half empty cup from where it was perched on the deck and huddled the blanket tighter around him before heading inside. He was sure this was the right thing to do, was sure that things would become clearer once Neil and he were no longer so intertwined that he couldn't follow his own track of thought any more. 

Andrew just hoped the car journey home wouldn't be too awkward.

-

Neil, as it turned out, was indeed out of the shower.

His damp curls were pulled back once more in a messy bun and he was in a pair of low-slung grey sweats and, to Andrew’s extreme horror, a crop top. It didn't reveal too much, just a peak of Neil’s tanned lower stomach, but it was enough to make Andrew come to a halt in the doorway and stare. He was sprawled out on the couch, one arm draped along the back of it and the other tapping on his phone screen. He was frowning slightly, but when he glanced up and seen Andrew his face brightened. 

“Hey. I saw you were on the phone out there and didn't want to bother you. I picked up some movies when I was at the store, if you want to watch one?”

Screw it. He could end things after the movie, preferably when Neil had more clothes on. 

“Nice shirt.” He said bitterly, moving towards the sofa to join him. 

Neil laughed and tugged a little at the hem of his shirt.

“Blame Nicky and Allison. As a combined force they're pretty terrifying.”

Andrew could only imagine. Nicky and Allison were tedious enough to deal with separately, even the thought of dealing with them together was enough to bring on a headache. He grunted in response and curled his legs under him, settling against the far side of the sofa. Neil didn't seem bothered, gesturing to the DVDs laid out on the table in front of them. 

Andrew blinked. There was a spread of food to join them, including his favourite sugary sweets and two pints of ice-cream. A bottle of whisky was also present, with two glasses included. He looked blankly at Neil who shrugged. 

“I told you, I can’t cook. Figured I'd woo you by appealing to your sweet-tooth instead.” He teased and then had the audacity to wink. 

Andrew instantly reached for the whiskey. He poured himself a generous amount, taking a gulp before offering it to Neil. The other man frowned and took the bottle hesitantly, careful not to touch Andrew as he did so. He was quiet for a moment, pouring a much smaller glass than Andrews.

“Is everything okay? I mean, is this all okay?” He asked. 

It was a vague, open-ended question and Andrew had no idea how to tackle it. The warmth in his body wasn't from the whiskey in his bloodstream, much as he wished it might be and Bee’s words came back to him again: Talk to Neil. 

Andrew took another gulp of his drink and nodded. 

“Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” He said in way of reply. 

Neil raised an eyebrow at him, but said nothing. He had obviously picked up on Andrew’s odd mood and was waiting for some sort of green light before he could ask him about it. Dutifully, he picked up the dvd and placed it into the machine. He settled back down with the remote and gave Andrew a curious side-eye, before sighing once and hitting the play button. 

Andrew zoned out after that. He had seen the movie a handful of times already, but it seemed that Neil clearly had not. It was much more interesting to watch him snort derisively at the gory scenes, nose wrinkling when he disagreed about the protagonist’s choices of dismemberment. He would laugh on occasion quietly, head tilted in concentration and his eyes sparkling with some unnamed emotion. 

“Why is it,” he asked Andrew at one point. “That the writers of these things always make at least one of the females a bumbling idiot.”

“Because Hollywood is filled with misogynists.” Andrew replied, rolling his eyes. 

Neil seemed to agree. He nodded, taking a sip of his drink and his other arm sprawled out against the back of the couch again. Andrew took in his position, curious despite himself. That feeling, the need to touch Neil was making itself known again and it was as palpable as an itch on the surface of his skin. Antsy, he closed his eyes and drew out a breath through his nose. 

“Neil. I want to try something.” He said. “Yes or no?” 

Neil’s eyes were on him at once, scrutinising. He nodded slowly and stayed perfectly still as Andrew approached. He was likely confused with the amount of hot and cold cycles they had been through today and after last night, he probably didn't know what to expect. Andrew could relate. 

“Stay still.” He warned. 

Neil nodded again. He was as stiff as a board and, when Andrew finally lay his head on Neil’s chest and curled his arm loosely around his waist, he wasn't confident that the other man was even breathing. 

He examined his own feelings for a moment, waiting for something in him to recoil in disgust at their closeness. He waited, tense, but it never came. Eventually, he let out a small breath and fully relaxed against Neil’s tense frame. 

“Watch the movie.” He said quietly. “You can put your hand in my hair if you want. Nowhere else.”

“Andrew.” Neil’s voice was hoarse with that same, unnamed emotion for earlier.

Andrew tutted and gestured one hand towards the screen. “The movie, Abram.”

It took a moment. Neil seemed hesitant to move at all, weary of breaking the fragile moment between them. Slowly though, Andrew could feel his breathing begin to fall into a more regular pattern again and fingers brushed lightly through his hair, rubbing at his scalp. It felt shockingly good and before he could stop himself, he arched slightly into Neil’s touch. Neil gasped softly and repeated the action and, never one to be undone, Andrew began to draw lazy circles on his hipbone and relished in his squirms.

It was odd. They were used to testing each other's reactions in much more explicit ways, but this somehow felt more intimate. Andrew knew the exact ways to turn Neil into a pliable mess under his hands when he was taking him apart, yet he found it equally satisfying to hear the man's contented hums from having the scars adorning his lower abdomen rubbed. 

Inspired, he lent forward and pressed a small kiss to Neil’s hipbone. Neil cursed softly and jerked, before going completely still. 

“Andrew, I’m going to need you to draw some lines for me here before I accidentally over-step them.” He said, voice tight. 

Andrew froze. It wasn't that he didn't want the moment to turn into that, but-

“Right. Maybe one thing at a time.” He agreed, moving his head back to Neil’s chest. 

Neil relaxed and began to rub Andrew’s head again. It was the afternoon and there was still plenty of day left, but between the sheer volume of emotions that he'd flitted between throughout the day and the warmth that Neil’s body was providing, he could feel his eyes begin to grow heavy. He scrubbed his hand against his eyes and scowled, ready to lean across the way and get some sugar to try and wake himself up, but he could feel Neil’s chin brush his hair as he shook his head. 

“Go to sleep if you want. There's still at least another forty minutes of this movie to go, I can wake you when it’s over.”

If he'd had the energy, Andrew would have fought it. He didn't though and instead took Neil’s advice, curling the blanket draped around him closer and nuzzling his head into a more comfortable spot on Neil’s chest. 

It wasn't long before he could feel sleep begin to take him over and Neil’s fingers never once let up with brushing through his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit all over the place but I imagine that coming off the type of medication Andrew was on, it would be a bit hectic. 
> 
> Meanwhile poor baby Neil is just as confused and probably googling how to show his bf he likes him. The adorableness is just too much. 
> 
> Thanks so much for the kudos and comments, I appreciate every single one! And if anyone is on Twitter and wants to shout at me for almost making Andrew breakup with a very clueless Neil, my handle is: Leteel2
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
